If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
