this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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