I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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