So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
