Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
