I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
