the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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