You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
