My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
i need some magic done to my vagina
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
