Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
