It's like God shit irony all over that family
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize