I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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