Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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