when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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