Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
