the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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