So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
