I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You took a bar mat shot.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
