I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Man, jail baloney is awful.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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