Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
