i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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