just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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