Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
