I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
She's like a pop up book from hell.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
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