I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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