LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
