i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
