I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
