Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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