Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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