yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
You can't motorboat a personality
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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