my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
