Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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