The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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