you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
