Umm I'm too high to move.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
