I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
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