wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
