I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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