too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
