Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
