I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Come on in and take your pants off
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