He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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