he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
