This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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