how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
