Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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