just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
