I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Let's get the cat blown out
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
