ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Blood and glitter go together right?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
