I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
