he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
This toilet bowl is my home.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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