you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
