I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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