We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
