Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
