I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
