I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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